Feel Eike Bursting? – Bend Your Rule, Don't Let It Break You

 ‘Here’s Rinku,’ said Rahul. ‘Chotu, three chai please.’

‘No chai for me,’ said Rinku. ‘I’m 5 minutes late. There was a traffic jam, but no excuses.’

‘But there’s no class now right?’ asked Rakesh.

‘No bhaiyya,’ said  Rinku. ‘But I’m upset with myself for being late.’

‘Bhaiyya,’ said Rahul. ‘Rinku gets upset with herself every day. Being 5 minutes late, getting one mark less, something the lecturer said. She even gets mad at me for not living up to her standards.’

‘Bhaiyya, I’ve set certain standards for myself,’ said Rinku. ‘I hold myself accountable to them. If I compromise once, I’ll compromise again. My standards will fall.’

‘Rinku,’ said Rakesh. ‘It’s fantastic that you set high standards and have rules to achieve those. Ideally, we should maintain those standards. But in case we don’t achieve them, we should not get so upset that it messes with us.’

‘Bhaiyya,’ said Rahul. ‘She gets cranky and goes into her shell all day. There’s too much pressure on herself to be perfect.’

‘If I relax I won’t get better bhaiyya,’ said Rinku. ‘I need to pull myself up.’

‘Rinku,’ said Rakesh. ‘Your rules are meant to improve your results. Being punctual is good, but if being 5 minutes late when there’s no class affects you badly, something’s wrong in the way you’re interpreting your own rules. If you stop enjoying the process, it will affect your results. You made your rules for a purpose - to get better, not to feel worse. When that happens it’s time to revisit your rules, your process.’

‘Are you saying it’s ok to be 5 minutes late?’ asked Rinku.

‘When you can’t help it, yes,’ said Rakesh. ‘We must discern when to be strict with ourselves and when to be gentle; when to be strict with the rule and when to flex it. Be tough with the process, not on yourself. When things go wrong, figure what’s going wrong with the process, not make yourself wrong. When we make ourselves wrong we are excessively harsh with ourselves. We could fall sick, give up or break down. That’s not the way to get the results we want.’

‘How to find the balance bhaiyya?’ asked Rinku. 

‘Understand that it’s a process,’ said Rakesh. ‘We get better, bit by bit, at our pace. We slip once in a while. So, give it your best shot. When you fail, learn the lesson. Examine and adjust the process, get better, and come back. Use rules to help you grow, not to beat yourself up. Enjoy the process of growing.’

‘I could start early or use alternate routes,’ said Rinku. ‘And even if I’m not on time once in a while, it’s ok.’

‘Ah, what a relief,’ said Rahul. ‘Get three chai Chotu. And biscuits.’

Pro Tip: We get upset or angry with ourselves (and others) when we break our own rules or fall below our expectations. Instead of being harsh on yourself, adjust the process or the rule, and get your results.

 

Exercise: Tell students to share to a partner something that they are upset about. Then let them decipher why they are upset – is it because of a rule you have that the other person/ or you yourself, have broken? In that case, can you stretch the rule if its not very important and save yourself being upset? Share.