Don’t be Passive or Aggressive, Be Assertive

 ‘Rinku, you should be more aggressive in class discussions yaar,’ said Rahul. ‘Parul completely dominates you. You’re too passive.’

‘I’m not passive,’ said Rinku. ‘I’m being respectful. I just don’t want to upset others bro.’

‘But Rinku, your viewpoint’s important too,’ asked Rakesh. ‘By not expressing your views fearing others reactions, you’re undervaluing, disrespecting and hurting yourself. Being passive is no good to you or to others.’

‘Better than disrespecting others na bhaiyya,’ said Rinku. ‘Parul doesn’t care about hurting others feelings or overriding their opinions loudly and intimidatingly. All she wants is to control the space fully at any cost. I don’t want to be like that.’

‘That’s the only way to deal with people Rinku,’ said Rahul. ‘Otherwise they will walk all over you.’

‘No Rahul,’ said Rakesh. ‘Both aggressive and passive behaviors are insecure behaviors and are harmful. You cannot arrive at the best outcomes because such behaviors do not enable an equal and fair exchange of ideas.’

‘How then bhaiyya?’ said Rinku.

‘Choose to be assertive,’ smiled Rahul. ‘It means expressing your viewpoint fully and clearly, even gently, because you honour and respect yourself and your views. Being assertive also means that you honour and respect others views, ask and listen to all viewpoints. You conduct the exchange harmoniously, with mutual respect and from a secure space with no ego. Such an exchange allows space to accept mistakes if any and retreat gracefully instead of defending endlessly.’

‘True,’ said Rahul. ‘If everyone speaks assertively, all ideas come to the table. We can collaborate on the best ideas and drop ideas that may not work. Wonder why we don’t do that?’ 

‘We don’t because there’s always bound to be conflict when there are different ideas on the table,’ said Rinku. ‘How do we deal with conflict bhaiyya?’

‘It’s our fear of conflict that makes us behave insecurely,’ said Rakesh. ‘The fear that we may lose or have to fight for space makes us behave passively or aggressively. But the way forward is ‘win-win’ and not “I win- you lose” or “I lose-you win”. Accept that conflicting opinions are bound to be there and must be dealt with. Resolve conflict by looking at the process collaboratively, expressing yourselves assertively and seeking other viewpoints in a secure, participative environment. It normally leads to the best outcome for all concerned. There’s no stress and people can agree to disagree.’

 ‘So being assertive is not how loudly and crudely, but how effectively and elegantly we facilitate the best outcome for all,’ said Rinku. ‘Thanks bhaiyya.’

Pro Tip: Be assertive and express yourself fully, clearly and respectfully. When you respect your views and those of others and seek win-win, you enable the best outcomes. Assertive behavior is based out of love while aggressive and passive behaviors are based out of fear.

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