Toxic Positivity

 ‘I’ve had a strange experience today,’ said Rinku. ‘Krishna and I talked to his aunt about how we were feeling about the pandemic hoping it would help. We ended up feeling worse.’

‘Why?’ asked Rahul. ‘Was she very negative?’ ‘No,’ said Rinku. ‘In fact she was too positive. Every time we tried to express our feelings she’d butt in with ‘it’s going to be alright’, ‘you’ll be fine’, ‘don’t feel like that’, ‘be happy’ etc. I felt I was doing something wrong by not feeling positive.’

‘Ah you’ve been a victim of toxic positivity,’ smiled Rakesh.  ‘Whoa, what’s that bhaiyya?’ asked Rahul.

‘Toxic positivity is when people try to ignore or minimize real and difficult feelings with a false front of positivity,’ said Rakesh. ‘Whatever happens, be positive they say. It makes you feel like something’s wrong with you.’ ‘But isn’t positivity good bhaiyya?’ asked Rahul.

‘Not if it makes you feel worse,’ laughed Rakesh. ‘These are difficult times and we all feel anxious, lonely and fearful and want to share our vulnerable feelings and talk about them. It’s not right to dismiss these feelings and say all is well. Painful emotions have to be dealt with openly and honestly. Positivity is not bad – the problem is with our timing and the outcome we achieve.’

‘How does toxic positivity show up bhaiyya?’ asked Rinku. ‘When someone expresses their vulnerable feelings,’ said Rakesh. ‘And people come back with  -  ‘You’ll be fine’, ‘it’s nothing’, ‘be grateful’, ‘be happy’, ‘you’ll get over it’, ‘look at the bright side’, ‘could have been worse’ etc. - instead of making the person feel supported they make them feel invalidated, ashamed or guilty for feeling what they feel, then it’s toxic.’

‘But the words sound kind and well meaning,’ said Rinku. ‘I use them too.’

‘Toxic positivity isn’t about the words, it’s how we make the other person feel,’ said Rakesh. ‘In a different context and time the same words have a completely different result.’

‘How should we deal with the negative feelings then?’ asked Rahul.

‘There’s nothing negative or positive about our feelings or emotions,’ said Rakesh. ’If we feel fearful, upset, alone, helpless we must process our feelings for our well-being. Brushing them away without addressing them will not solve the problem. It’s only when we feel our emotions that we make room for other emotions.’

‘And how should we deal with people who are feeling low bhaiyya?’ asked Rinku. ‘Let them be?’

‘Listen,’ said Rakesh. ‘Be empathetic, ask questions, ask how you can help. Validate their feelings, help them feel their feelings. Be compassionate. Don’t minimize. By the end of it, help them feel better.’

‘Thanks bhaiyya,’ said Rahul. ‘We’ll be wary of toxic positivity.’

Pro Tip: Toxic positivity harms more than it helps. Feeling your real feelings without always covering it up with positivity helps your well-being.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Leadership Series - The Window and Mirror Approach

 ‘I’m upset with our Students Union President Ankita,’ said Rinku. ‘She’s taken all credit for the work I did for the student festival.’ ‘True,’ said Rahul. ‘She takes credit when go things well even if she hasn’t done anything and blames others when things go wrong. Reminds me of today’s politicians. No responsibility, only credit.’ ‘But that cannot be the right way to lead right?’ asked Rinku. ‘You’re right,’ said Rakesh. ‘Most leaders take all credit so they can project a larger than life image of themselves. On the other hand they bring others down by misinterpreting facts so they look better In comparison. But it’s an insecure way of leading. A good leader shares credit with the team and takes responsibility when things go wrong.’   ‘What’s the right way then bhaiyya?’ asked rinku. ‘Taking credit and blaming others seems to be the popular modus operandi.’ ‘Yes,’ smiled Rakesh. ‘It is paradoxical – but as we all know, a leader can lead well only when she is not a...
Read more

The Leadership Series - The Who of Leadership - People Represent Potential

 ‘So, what’s next?’ said Rinku looking at her notebook. ‘We’re all set to go – goals, roles, vision all in place.’ ‘Great,’ said Rahul. ‘’Now I hopeour team members do their best.’ ‘This is the most important aspect of your leadership,’ said Rakesh laughing. ‘People management. So don’t hope. How you manage people becomes the biggest diffrentiator for the leader.’ ‘Why bhaiyya? Won’t people deliver according to their capabilities?’asked Rinku. ‘No Rinku,’said Rakesh. ‘People are not like machines. They don’t deliver one standard. If you handle a person right she will go way beyond what sheis required to do. On the other hand, if you do not know how to handle them,people will work without any interest and enthusiasm. You may have the best systems and recruited the best resources, but if you do not know how to handle people on your side, your effort will fall flat.’ ‘That’s interesting?’ said Rinku. ‘So if they are handled right, people deliver much more than they normally ...
Read more

Paying Attention Pays

 ‘Bhaiyya, I invited my friends for a zoom party,’ said Rahul. ‘Those fools didn’t show up. I’m very upset.’ ‘No one came?’ asked Rakesh. ‘Rinku, Ali and Kapil came of course,’ said Rahul. ‘But I’m really upset with the others.’‘Rahul, do you realise this is a classic way to stay unhappy for no reason,’ asked Rakesh. ‘What bhaiyya?’ said Rahul. ‘Your attention is a precious resource Rahul,’ said Rakesh. ‘How you use it can make you happy or unhappy, succeed or fail.’ ‘How does it work bhaiyya?’ asked Rinku. ‘It’s simple Rinku,’ said Rakesh. ‘We can focus our attention on what we have and be happy or focus our attention on what we don’t have and stay unhappy. Most of us focus on what’s not there which makes us, and consequently others around us, unhappy. For example, Rahul, you should ask Rinku how she felt about the party.’ ‘Oh,’ smiled Rinku. ‘I felt pretty useless when Rahul ignored me and was more concerned about the others who didn’t show up. I wondered why I showed u...
Read more